Ten Years, Twenty Rehabs, and Infinite IOPs

Nothing changed until I listened to my daughter

Every time I put my daughter into rehab she said, “I’ll go for you but I’m not ready to stop using.”  

I didn’t listen because I was bought into the story of the hijacked brain.  I thought that my daughter was incapable of making her own decisions.  I thought, “She doesn’t know what’s good for her, she can’t make decisions for herself, her brain is not hers, I have to make decisions for her.”  

The rehab industry told me so many lies.  I was desperate as a mother, afraid my child would die, and they exploited my fear for their profit.  I agree with Unsilenced that sometimes short term inpatient care may be necessary if someone is a clear and present danger to themselves or others, but that there is no scientific or medical basis to the idea of a 28 or 30 day stay in a place where "treatment" consists of 12 Step meetings and "group" therapy led by a counselor who may not even have a bachelor's degree, almost certainly does not have a master’s degree, and whose main qualification if self-proclaimed sobriety and adherence to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Here are just a few of the lies the rehab industry told me: 

1)They told me about their success rates. But I later learned that those claims depend on how "success" is defined. In some cases, the figure may only refer to the completion rate, meaning the percentage of people who finish the program. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't.

2) They told me about their high level of treatment professionals. But that does not necessarily mean they have professionals with advanced degrees, such as clinical psychologists, masters prepared social workers, or even counselors with a bachelor’s degree in a relevant field. Much of the "counseling" is still provided by minimally trained addiction survivors who base their "counseling" on their own experience of getting sober, particularly their knowledge of AA/NA’s 12 Steps. 

3) They told me they had their own top-notch addiction doctor, who turned out to be someone in private practice who visited many rehabs on the side.

4) They told me they offered proven therapies, which turned out to be "equine therapy," acupuncture, and reiki. This was just a marketing ploy, and I have yet to find any scientific evidence that any of these so-called therapies help in the first 28 days of "treatment."

5) They offered daily "group therapy," which turned out to be 12-step meetings that were free.

6) They called me an “enabler.”  I have since learned that this came from Al-anon, and the term “enabler” was adopted and promoted by the drug/alcohol industry because it created a new class of people to treat (the Family Program).

7) I was told I was codependent and I was told to read the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty, a classic of 12 Step programs that pathologizes normal parental behavior, such as wanting to care for a child even if they use substances. 

When my daughter walked out of one rehab in a city far away from us where she knew no one, the rehab told me that we should just let her go, and maybe she needed to hit rock bottom. They were encouraging us to let her die!  

She called me to tell me she had left and was going to be with “her people.”   She had been telling me this for years. This time, I heard her.  This was also the last time she was in rehab.  This was the beginning of my unlearning, the beginning of my understanding.  The beginning of using Harm Reduction.  

Fortunately, we could locate her on her phone.  She was in a park in Salt Lake City with people who could understand.  I had just started a new job, so her brothers flew out and found her.  They stayed with her in the park until her father arrived via car.  

I will never forget her father calling me and saying, “We can’t get her to come to the hotel room with us.”  And out of my mouth came “Buy her drugs and let her use them in the hotel room.  Also, get Narcan for everyone to have.”

He did, and she used drugs in the hotel room.  That is how we got her to come home, stopping to tend to her needs whenever needed.  

Finally, we are free of all the people telling us what to do and how to do it.  Finally, we could love our precious beautiful daughter as she was and help keep her safe.

Rehabs lied.  They tried to take our daughter away from us, telling us they would “fix” her as though she was a broken down car.  Like the “therapeutic” boarding school, they separated us from our daughter during the “blackout period” when she was not allowed to call us or anyone else.  

Everything the rehab industry told us goes against our instincts as mothers.  They told me to send my daughter somewhere out of state, so far away we could not visit her.  Deep inside I knew that what they were saying was wrong, but everything in our culture says that if a child has a substance use issue, you send them to rehab.  Whether they want to go or not. 

At no time in the ten year period from 2001 to 2011 when my daughter was in rehabs and Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOPs)  did anyone in a professional capacity at any rehab, including addiction doctors, psychiatrists, and counselors, ever address the fact that my daughter kept relapsing immediately after she got out of rehab.  Not one of them ever suggested medications for her Opioid Use Disorder (OUD).  

Like so many parents, I took out loans against my home to pay for rehab after rehab.  I was a great saver so I had money in my retirement accounts, and I depleted all of that.  That was such a waste of money.  Then there were their lies about insurance.  They’d say, “We will contact your insurance,” but then I’d get a bill for $20,000.  I believed the rehab industry people I talked to, but now I realize it was all manipulation and taking advantage of people who are desperate.  

When I finally started to listen to my daughter, I realized that coercing her into rehab, or any sort of treatment, would not work.  It just created distance between us.  Once I was able to listen, I realized that keeping her safe was infinitely more important than getting her off drugs.  I don’t have the power to make her stop using, but I can find ways to keep her safe.  She stopped using when she felt the harms outweighed the benefits - when she was ready. 

I will never repress my maternal instincts or listen to the treatment industry again.  I hope that my experience can help other moms trust themselves, learn about harm reduction, and keep their children safe.  

Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter at @MomsAllPaths

And if you’re not already a member, join the Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/momsforallpaths