Parenting Harm Reduction Style

Parenting Harm Reduction Style

Parenting with a harm reduction mindset is completely different from everything you’ve probably heard or been told about parenting someone who deals with addiction. 

We hear about tough love, we are told to kick our kids out of the house, punish them if they use, and wait for them to hit rock bottom.  Harm reduction realizes that none of these strategies are effective.  Punishment, isolation, and making a child’s life worse only increases the likelihood that they will continue to use… or even get worse. 

So how do we parent harm reduction style? 

First, we shift our focus from controlling our child’s behavior - which we will never be able to do for very long - to understanding it from their perspective and minimizing the harms of the behavior.  Harm reduction as a philosophy is based on the fact that people always have and always will engage in dangerous behaviors.  People drive cars, so we invented seat belts.  People walk in the sun, so we encourage them to use sunscreen.  Harm reduction for alcohol and drugs is based on the same premise, but the dangerous mythology of the drug war has convinced us to punish, not help. 

So ask questions.  “How do you feel when you drink/use?”  “Is there something you can think of that I can do to help?”  

Work with your child instead of against your child.  Punishment never works in the long term, and can damage your relationship with your child, possibly beyond repair.  If you can keep up or establish a strong relationship where your child feels they can talk to you about their drug use, you’ve become a harm reduction parent. 

As moms, we have a great deal of power to minimize the harms of drug use and increase our child’s chances of successful recovery.  First, we can help keep our child out of jail and off the streets.  Don’t be deceived by tough love and rock bottom rhetoric.  Too many of us have seen that rock bottom means death.  Your child is not safe if they are in jail: they will experience more trauma that will make their use worse, not better.  And as I’ve said before, once a child is out on the streets, it’s very hard to get them back.

Many moms have been told to kick their child out, or to not let them use drugs in the house.  We encourage moms to keep their child at home or find a safe place for them to live.  The fact is, if they are going to use, they are going to use.  Would you rather your child use safely in their own home or somewhere you know is safe like a relative’s house who is able to help with the situation, or out on the streets where they are in danger of being arrested, becoming the victim of violent crime, or worse?  

One very difficult area for moms is the question of whether or not we should give our child money, knowing that they may use it to buy drugs.  We are told that by doing that, we could be killing our child.  I knew that my daughter would get drugs no matter what, and my heart broke because I knew that she might do dangerous things in order to get the money.   So I gave her money when I could with no attachment to what she might use it for but with the hope that she would give herself a rest without having to get money in more harmful ways.  

Another piece of parenting harm reduction style is encouraging any positive change.  Instead of insisting on complete abstinence, praise a change like a reduction in use, a return to functioning (such as going back to school or getting a part time job) or engaging more with the family, like coming to family dinner or watching TV at night at home instead of going out with drug-using friends.  The real enemy is not the drug - it’s the harm caused by the drug.  So if your child is doing better in life, even if that’s something as seemingly small as cleaning up their room or helping cook dinner, focus on that, even if drug use continues. 

This stuff is HARD!  It’s important not to be hard on yourself or blame yourself.  Your friends and family are likely to tell you that you are “enabling” by keeping your child as safe as possible or allowing them to use.  You are enabling your child to stay alive and have a chance at recovering!  It’s hard to ignore those negative voices that are so common in our society, which is why I created the MAP group to provide evidence-based education for moms.  

Be prepared for relapses, perhaps many relapses.  Relapse is a normal part of the process.  It is heartbreaking to watch your child return to chaotic use, especially after a period of relative calm.  It’s natural to be disappointed or angry.  But punishing or lecturing won’t work.  In fact, it’s likely to make things worse.  It’s important to find ways to manage your emotions and take care of yourself.  

Even if they relapse a hundred or more times, as long as there is life, there is hope.  Focus on hope.  

Finally, educate yourself!  Not only will learning more make you more effective at parenting, it will give you ways to talk back to those negative voices who call you codependent or worse.  That’s why our group exists - and together we can educate ourselves, help our children, and spread the word! 

I’m not a doctor or a psychologist - I’m a mom who loves her kids. This is my opinion, from lots of research and long experience. I hope you find it helpful!

Here are my quick tips for harm reduction parenting: 

1. Get involved in support groups that use a Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach.

2.  Take some time to know what you can and can not control. You can control how you communicate with your child, but you can not control their behavior.   

3. Connect with other people in your loved one’s life who are feeling the same way you are. 

4. Learn about and practice positive reinforcement and motivational interviewing.  Offer to help many times, in many different ways and with many different options. Be prepared and be okay if your child says no to help or changes their mind. 

5. Be sure to reduce your harm!  It’s exhausting to parent a child who is using drugs.  Maintaining your health and mental well being is essential so that you can care for your child in the most healthy way!

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